Constipated Squirrels

I am pissed.  Look what the nasty bushy-tailed rats did to my statue, the one I worked so hard on to bring back from the brink of the garbage heap.  Oooooh!  Her head has been eaten as well as other parts!


See those white spots?  The squirrels munched off sections of the statue’s head.


Look at her tray.  They chewed on it too.


A very blurry close-up.  My camera doesn’t do close-ups.


No longer will I slow down when I see a squirrel crossing in front of my car.  No. indeed, I will speed up!

No longer will I feel sad when I see a flattened squirrel on the street or a squirrel missing part of its tail.

Not only have the squirrels eaten my statue, they have also pulled out and killed my petunias in the deck planters and other containers.


See any petunias in this planter?  Neither do I.

They dig up my plants, plant pecans and acorns in all of my pots, knock things over, have chewed on wiring, and I can’t feed the birds because of them.  Every bird feeder I own, and I own three, sits empty because of those Satanic squirrels.


You’ve seen this image before.  My neighbor, Mr. Harris, says a young squirrel did this.



See any bird seed in this feeder?  Can you guess why?

And my lovely but a bit naïve neighbor put out a pretty bird feeder a week or so ago.  I watched her feeder as one greedy squirrel wrestled every seed from its depths.

Well, I want revenge!—I WILL fix their behinds!  Eating a chalk statue may have left them constipated.  Let me help.

I will feed MY squirrels some chocolate ex-lax.  There will not be a constipated squirrel within 100 feet of my property.


Photo is courtesy of this link.

I noticed the ex lax box guarantees “relief every time.”  I hope so.  I need relief from these squirrels.

The product description says, “Gentle overnight relief you can trust. Regular strength.” and goes on to say, “When taken as directed, ex-lax is guaranteed to work gently and effectively overnight or your money back. Return product to Novartis, attention Consumer Affairs, for full refund.”

So, if the squirrels don’t get the runs, I can get a full refund.  Thank you, ex lax.

If the squirrels must eat my statue and my plants, then they can do me a favor and fertilize as they go. Not only will my squirrels be on the run, they will be runny!

Take THAT you nasty runny-butted rodents!  (You know, I truly think they’d eat ex lax, if I put it out there in the bird feeders.)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>But I can’t do it…  Darned…I’m on the local board for the Humane Society.  They would kick me off in a heartbeat if they learned I so much as gave an evil look to any animal.

And then there’s the sin of it.  According to my religious go-to people, to “think it” is the same as doing it…So now that I’ve thought it (giving squirrels ex lax) it’s as if I actually did it.

I can see myself in the confessional now:

“Bless me Father for I have sinned.”

“Go on…”

“Well, Father, I was thinking of giving my squirrels ex lax.”


“Yes.  I might be just a little bit sorry. Maybe.”

“Okay well, repeat the prayer of Contrition and say ten ‘Our Fathers’. Please don’t give the squirrels any ex lax. Okay?”

And then the priest leaves mumbling to himself, “That’s all we need around here, squirrels with the squirts…Parishioners could slip in that stuff and fall.”

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, there are a ton of websites out there with the words “Satanic Squirrels” in their titles so I’m not the only person who feels this way.  I’m probably just the only person who wants to relieve her squirrels of their constipation.

7 thoughts on “Constipated Squirrels

  1. I had a small fairy garden. You know, with cute painted mushrooms, and little doors, cottages, and a couple of tiny gnomes and fairies. Nestled in one of my garden beds, and all very twee, but what can I say, I liked it.

    And then, one by one they started to disappear. I thought…crows picking up something shiny, perhaps? I would replace the odd missing piece, only to have them or something else go missing.

    I found a hobbitesque tower under a tree, and a broken fairy in another garden bed. Everything else – gone.

    And then one day the s/o saw a squirrel running on top of the fence with a small miniature cottage in it’s mouth.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Really laughed at this post. You have a wonderful way with words. We have similar problems with native possums eating trees and fruit but they have never eaten statues. Those squirrels are truly evil, like rats. One thing that does work without hurting the possums is directing a bright garden light up the tree. It blinds them and they leave. It might work for squirrels. Also possums don’t like bells because they think it is a cat on the prowl but these need to be in a shaky tree or for it to be windy for this to work. Maybe you could spotlight your statue and favourite flowers with a moveable garden light. It might help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very good question as to why squirrels would chew on the statue, but I’ve seen one of them gnawing on my terracotta wall pocket and they chewed up the wiring in a former bosses’ truck, so go figure!


  3. In the north I had a big squirrel problem, but they never ate statues! That must be a southern thing… haha. I know, it’s not funny. When wildlife destroys our yardscape it is beyond frustrating. (I am thinking of my raccoons here.) I also used to feed the birds in winter in NH and sure enough, no matter what type of feeder I had, they got to it, sometimes in extremely clever and comical ways.

    I used to try the tactic of feeding them corn so they would fill up on that and leave the sunflower seeds alone. But I realized that it was only bringing me more squirrels… I could look out into the woods and see squirrels making a beeline toward my backyard. They were calling the whole extended family to come share in the food.!! We can’t win, but I wish you luck.


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